When Fanfiction Attacks
by Sweet Honey-sempai
Summary: Poor Heero didn't know what would attack him that day...the fanfic versions (PLURAL) of his friends! And now that the Teenage Fanfic Authors are here, he's really in trouble. I tease what I love, peeps. Ch. 3 up!
1. When Fanfiction Attacks

Disclaimer-I own no characters. The idea belongs to citygirl1116, who did the same thing with Harry Potter.

A/N-Please read this with an open mind. I do not wish to mortally offend anyone, just poke some fun.

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When Fanfiction Attacks

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Heero rolled out of bed one bright August morning. After making sure his spandex was nice and tight—erm…after making sure his gun was secure, he walked out of the room. He lived in the Preventer building with the rest of the ex-Gundams.

He walked out the door just as Duo came out of his room.

"Hyuk! Hyuk! Gorsh! What is 2 plus 2?" Duo said, picking his nose at the same time.

"Pardon?"

"OHMYGODI'MSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAPPY!!!!!!!! SUGARISGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! IDON'TSUFFERFROMADHDIENJOYEVERYMINUTEOFIT!!!!!!!!""

"Are you feeling okay?" Heero asked.

"Whenever I'm with you, Hee-chan, I'm okay!" Duo said, throwing himself onto Heero. "Apparently, Hilde does not exist in fanon! Oh my darling my sweetie my angel my reason for living, tell me that you love me!"

Heero's faced blanched. "WHAT?!"

"You don't love me! Woe is me! I must go kill myself now! Oh, the angst!"

Duo was carted away to a mental hospital where he rocked himself back and forth and tried cutting.

Heero stared after Duo for awhile, when suddenly, Relena walked up to him. He was very relieved to see her, because she was his darling, sweetie, angel, reason for living—sorry, author got carried away—until he noticed that she was wearing a skimpy tube top, hip-hugger jeans, and shoes with heels two feet high.

"Heero!" She threw herself on him. "You don't know how I've longed to see you, to hold you, to make sweet monkey luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv to you!"

"O…kay."

"It's always about you! It's always about peace! It's always about the Earth Sphere! It's never about me! ME ME ME ME ME!!! And you don't care, do you?!"

"But, Relena, you worked for all those things…"

"HOW DARE YOU LOVE DUO AND NOT ME?! I'LL USE MY POSITION TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE!! I HATE YOU, YOU –expletive-!!!!!!!!!!"

She slapped him and ran off to seek solace in Dorothy's arms.

Heero wondered if the Zero System had been implanted in his brain, but decided against it. He just cocked his gun and went downstairs.

He walked in to find Quatre dressed in a frilly pink dress and applying cherry-red lipstick.

"Heero, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahling, it's so lovely to see you! Care for tea? More tea? Lots of tea? TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA….."

"Um…no thanks."

Trowa walked in. He was unnaturally buff, because we all saw what Endless Waltz did to him. Rarr.

"Oh, Quatre, you've melted my cold, icy, frozen, frigid, (Gets out Thesaurus), subzero, glacier-esque, tundra, barren wasteland of a heart! I love you, my darling!"

"Oh, Trowa!" Quatre clasped his (her?) hands together. "Am I woman enough for you?"

"Nope. Even though the creators originally wanted me and Quatre together, I'm going to go find love in Catherine's loving heart!"

"But isn't she your biological sister?" Heero asked.

"Heero, Heero, Heero," Trowa said sadly. "Don't you know that while no government except maybe Canada accepts it, slash and incest are totally acceptable in fanon? But maybe I'm not into Cathy. Maybe I love Dorothy. Oh, darn, I can't, Relena ran to her after you broke her heart about Duo."

"I'M NOT INTO DUO!!!!!" Heero yelled.

"Darn, that gets rid of my humorous Get-Heero-And-Duo-Together subplot!" Quatre said, crossing his arms and stamping his foot.

"And what about Middie?"

Middie appeared, and then suddenly disappeared. "She's not popular enough with authors to be of any use," Trowa explained.

Wufei walked in.

"Where is my Duo? I love him so even though I seem to despise him in canon!"

"Wufei!"

"The baka! BAKA BAKA BAKA! I'm going to cut off his braid! I can't use English insults! BAKA!"

"Wufei, are you ill?"

"WOMEN! I HATE WOMEN—yet I don't like guys—unless Sally can melt my icy cold exterior in some scene in the desert!"

Heero stared at him.

"Oh, T-T-Treize…I-It's m-m-my fault he's d-d-d-dead…HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT HIM???????!!!!!!!!! The guilt, Heero, the guilt!"

"………"

"You!" He pointed to Quatre. "You have shamed the He-Man Woman-Haters club by wearing that dress! We must fight, Winner-san! For honor! MORTAL COMBAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Mortal Combat theme came on. Heero quickly turned to leave and saw the ghost of Nataku sitting in a chair, looking wistful.

"There are, like, 11 romance fics between me and Wufei," she explained. "Not enough people read the Episode Zero manga, so I'm almost a nonentity. I HATE YOU, WUFEI! Wait…I LOVE YOU, WUFEI!"

Heero quickly walked out of the Preventer building and bumped into Zechs.

"Heero! You –expletive-! You made my perfect cherubim of a sister cry! I'll kill you!"

"Zechs, wait…"

"Oh, call me Milliardo, Hee-chan! Never mind the fact that Noin has patiently waited for me and never cheated on me for over two years! It's you I want!" He flung himself onto Heero.

"Zechs, get off me!"

"Heero, whatever shall I do without Treize?"

"Maybe you should hook up with Wufei."

Zechs stood upright, a thoughtful expression on his face. Heero ran away quickly, wondering why everyone insisted on calling him "Hee-chan". Wouldn't "Heero-san" be more respectable? Or even "Heero-kun"? And why were they using Japanese words when the stories were in English?

(Author has done that so she pokes Heero with a pencil)

Heero bumped into Lady Somethingreallylonginsomeforeignlanguage Une and Lucretia Noin.

"Are you okay, Heero?" Noin asked.

"Oh, thank God, you're yourself!" Heero said.

"Well, of course I am, Heero. But suddenly…I'm feeling an attraction towards you…"

Heero jumped away and screeched.

"Just messing with ya!" Noin grinned and walked away.

Heero turned to Lady Une. "How come you two are okay?"

"Because we are the only two female character in canon couples," Lady Une said. "And in fanon, there is no room for female characters in canon couples. No worries though, this is an AU."

"What's AU?"

"It's code for "I can torture the puny fictional peons as long as I keep the names and make Heero HOOOOOOOOOT"."

She walked away, leaving poor Heero unprotected as a thousand fangirls attacked him, while legions upon legions of Mary Sues made-out with Trowa and Quatre.

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List of apologies:

citygirl1116, whose idea I've ripped off

All the authors who done things that I've made fun of, because I just wanted to poke some fun. I hope no one is mortally offended!!!!! If enough of you hate it, I'll remove it. Just keep in mind that it was HUMOR. Oh, yeah, and I'm a freak. Mustn't forget that. I have squirrel juggling Reeses Peanut Butter cups in my head.

The people who read this story, for wasting their time


	2. When Fanfiction Attacks Part 2

Disclaimer-Still own nothing. Still just for laughs.

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When Fanfiction Attacks Part 2

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Heero finally broke away from the fangirls by telling them that there was a kitty behind them, to which they all responded "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEKOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" and ran away. 

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-CCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Heero fell face-first into the street as Duo suddenly descended from nowhere and landed on him.

"Duo, get off me!" Heero yelled, face full of mud.

"HEEEEEEE-CHAAAAAAAN, how could I ever leave you alone, my only love/dove/darling/sweetie/angel/insert your own sickeningly sweet and completely uncharacteristic term of endearment here?"

"Look, Duo, if you're gonna follow me around, you have to stop calling me "Hee-chan"…"

"I knew it! You hate me, don't you? Well –expletive- you! I wouldn't want to be with someone who would betray his own friends!" Duo slapped him and stalked away in a huff.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

-breath-

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, no…"

Heero tried to run, but Relena suddenly fell off a conveniently placed balcony and landed on him, much like Duo had a few minutes earlier.

"My darling, where have you been? Do you know how often I've cried myself to sleep because I missed you after our one night of passion?!"

"Relena, you do realize that the only thing I ever did was kiss you in Blind Target?"

"YOU COULD'VE CALLED ME, YOU -EXPLETIVE-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Relena slapped Heero. "How could you walk out on me…AND OUR CHILD??!!"

"I don't have any kids."

"That's right, you don't, because you could never love me enough to marry me!" Relena burst into tears. "Everybody is out to hurt me! I know! I'll change my name and become a hermit! Forget the fact that everyone in the world is looking to me as a leader! My name's not Relena! My name is the author's best friend's first name and her crush's last name! But I'll go to the mall first!"

Relena jumped off Heero and scampered away. Wufei sauntered up.

"Yuy!"

"What?"

"Why am I feeling a sudden attraction to you?"

Heero reached for his gun.

"Maxwell!" Wufei yelled.

"Yes, my cutie pie sugar bunch?" Duo called from across the street.

"Why am I referring to you by your last name? INJUSTICE!! ONNA!!"

"Shaddup, Wufei!" Sally appeared from nowhere, toting a gun. "I'll abandon you in the desert again!"

"INJUSTICE!!!!"

Trowa and Quatre sauntered by, making horrendously bad and wildly out-of-character dirty jokes that make all the little teenage girls do the Happy-Gay-Guy-Squeal™.

"INJUSTICE!!!"

Dorothy suddenly appeared, dragging Lady Une behind her.

"I thought you were normal?!" Heero yelled at Lady Une.

"Sorry, I succumbed to the hotness of Dorothy's eyebrows," Lady Une apologized sincerely.

"Well, is Noin still okay?" Heero asked desperately.

"Nope. She's fallen into depression because Zechs left her for Treize/Wufei/Duo/you. She'll probably die a slow, painful, feverous death. Or she'll just disappear completely, almost as if some teenage author decided that females are too inconvenient in a yaoi story."

"QUATRE!!" Dorothy abandoned Lady Une and tackled Quatre to the ground. "YOU'RE MINE!!!!!"

"NO WAY!!! HE'S MINE!!!" Trowa shouted in an unusual display of emotions.

Trowa and Dorothy began a Tug-of-War with Quatre.

"ONNA!!!!"

"What, Wu-Man/Wuffers/some other nickname that I would never ever use since I'm not dumb and know you'd kill me if I did?" Duo called from across the street, thoroughly exasperated.

"BAKA!!!! I'll baka you and then I'll baka you and then we'll baka!!"

Heero stopped to wonder just what content was contained within each "baka", and then decided that he fervently did not want to know.

He instead turned back to Lady Une. "Well, since Treize is dead and Dorothy just left you, what are you planning to do now?"

"Oh, I don't know," Lady Une said cheerfully. "While slash and incest are totally acceptable, necrophilia hasn't been touched on too much yet, so no Treize/me here. I guess I'll go hook up with some random female or return to being an attentive mother to Mariemaia. I'm surprised no one's made me a pedophile yet…YUY!! YOUR BACK IS NOT PERFECTLY STRAIGHT!!!"

"Well, that might be because I'm sitting on the ground…"

"DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO ME!!!" Lady Une slapped Heero. "I AM YOUR COMMANDER AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh, since when?"

"Since you joined the Preventers, silly!" Lady Une said, smiling sweetly.

"But I said in Battlefield of Pacifists that I'd rather work alone."

"My poor confused child, have you forgotten that this is Fanon? You don't even have your gun anymore!" Lady Une patted Heero's head, and then burst into tears. "TREIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Attempting suicide always works for me," Heero offered. Indeed, his gun was now missing. It must have been stolen by the attacking fangirls.

Lady Une sighed again. "I'm not important enough to commit suicide."

"INJUSTICE!!"

"Hey, suicide's a great idea!" Duo said suddenly. "I think I'll go attempt it!"

"Don't do it, Duo!" A very wavering form of Hilde showed up, at times becoming invisible. "Be impressed by my use of alliteration, instead!"

"Nope, sorry, Hilde. Even though you have remained completely faithful, let me live with you, and risked your life twice on my account, I've decided that Heero is my only true love. But since he's rejected me, I have to go kill myself now…"

"Oh…well, I'd better go hook up with Relena, then," Hilde said resignedly.

"NO!!! RELENA IS MINE!!!!" Dorothy dropped Quatre and ran off in the direction of Relena.

Hilde sighed and disappeared.

"She's not important enough, either," Lady Une explained. "YOU IDIOT, WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THAT????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She smacked Heero again.

Heero stood up and ran, cursing the day some fangirl had stolen his gun.

BOOOOOOM!!

Heero jumped backward as a building suddenly blew up. Quatre laughed maniacally and then disappeared.

"But we destroyed the ZERO system," Heero mused aloud.

"It's not the ZERO system," Trowa explained sadly. "It's Quatre's HORRIBLE and TORTURED past coming back to haunt him. His father beat him, you know."

"No, he didn't."

"Oh, well, it was either Quatre or one of his sisters," Trowa said, shrugging. "Doesn't matter which one, because Quatre's empathic powers are growing so quickly and suddenly that he has seizures all the time/blows stuff up at random intervals. Poor, poor Little One." Trowa ran off after Quatre, who had fainted in the street.

"MEOW!!"

Heero looked down to see Duo as a kitty.

"Duo, I thought you committed suicide. Why are you a cat?"

"I prefer "neko", if you please," Duo said.

"Why?"

Duo shrugged. "Dunno, guess it makes the author sound smart to throw in random Japanese words even though the story's in English." Duo began playing with his tail, which looked distinctively like a braid. "Oh, yes, and I'm expecting a litter, too."

"But you're a guy."

"Well, that's debatable, but for right now, yes, I am."

"That's not biologically possible."

"Can't you accept miracles, you…you…non-yaoi fan!?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't like pairings like Wufei/Treize, so you're close-minded, narrow, and homophobic!"

Heero rolled his eyes. "So, let's say, hypothetically an author preferred me/Relena over me/you. They're automatically considered a homophobe?"

"Except for the very rare ones who support Quatre/Trowa as well, yes!"

"I see." Heero rolled his eyes. "Back to your litter. Who's the father…mother…whatever?"

"Well, I'm just not sure," Duo said sadly. "There's a very minimal chance it's Hilde. Maybe it's Wufei…or Zechs…or Quatre…of course, there's a very strong chance that it's you."

"You and I aren't involved, Duo."

"WHAT?!" Duo burst into tears. "HOW COULD YOU???!!!"

He somehow managed to slap Heero and run away.

Heero wondered how many more times he was going to get slapped today. He decided it was time to buy another gun.


	3. When Fanfiction Attacks Part 3

Disclaimer-Still don't own anything

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When Fanfiction Attacks Part Three

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Heero entered the store. Amazingly, it was very dark and shady, even though the outside seemed very nice and clean. Cigar smoke filled the room, and random detective music played in the background.

"She came into my office one winter day. I knew she was looking for love in all the wrong places…"

Heero turned and sent the Death Glare to Trowa. Trowa fell silent and slowly backed away, and Heero continued to the front counter.

"I need a gun," he announced to the man in a pin-striped suit, who had his back turned to Heero.

"Why's that, toots/sweetheart/some other mob boss nickname?" Wufei turned around, chewing on a cigar.

Heero blinked, but decided this wasn't the weirdest thing he had seen today.

"Because everyone's gone crazy," Heero deadpanned, "and I'm going to kill them if I have to."

An alarm suddenly went off. Screams filled the room loud enough to break the windows. Wufei jumped back against the wall and screamed like a girly man…which he was.

"What's the matter?" Heero asked, looking around. "I don't see anything wrong."

"You…you…you…you're IN-CHARACTER!" Wufei shrieked.

Duo screamed and fainted in the background.

"What?"

"You act like you do in the show! You threatened to kill people because they were crazy."

"Yeah, in episodes 25 and 26," Heero said, "when I was fighting Quatre."

Somewhere far, far away, all the little shounen ai fangirls were crying at Trowa's 90-second speech to Quatre before going boom.

"This is fanon, Heero! You're not supposed to threaten anybody."

"Oh, come on, Wufei," Heero said agitatedly. "I swore in Endless Waltz that I'd never kill again. It's just for self-defense."

"Don't say those words! Almost no one pays any attention to the movie. It destroys all the little fangirls' beliefs that Duo is jealous of you and Relena because Duo explicitly says "Anything at all for the one you love"/"That's what I call infatuation"/"So you really do care about her"/whatever other translation they come up with!" Wufei cringed.

"Fei-chan, is everything okay? I just got back from selling crack." Treize walked in.

"Oh, Treize!" Wufei jumped on Treize. "Even though I tried and succeeded to kill you, I just can't live without you!" He burst into tears. "Protect me from Heero's in-characterness!"

Treize began to throw roses at Heero. Heero blinked at the extremely lame and stereotypically Treize choice of weapon. He picked up a gun, dropped some money on the counter, and walked away.

He came across the clothing section of the store. He wondered why this hadn't been there before. He decided it was convenient for the author and shrugged it off, keeping a tight grip on his gun.

"Oh, hel-LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Heero!"

Heero turned around to see Duo holding some lacy undergarments.

"Duo, what are you doing in the women's section?"

"Are you calling me a man!" Duo gasped.

"You ARE a man."

"HOW DARE YOU!" Duo slapped Heero. "I'm a woman through and through!"

"You've been a male impersonator all this time?"

"Well, sometimes. Other times, I've been a female impersonator."

"But if you're female…This is fanon, isn't it?"

"Yep!" Duo grinned widely. "Now, don't try and spy on me in the changing room!"

"You can be sure I won't."

Duo was unsure as whether to be insulted or assured. He decided the safe thing to do was slap Heero and walk away in a huff, which he proceeded to do. Heero's face was beginning to grow very swollen.

Wufei sauntered up to Heero.

"Don't tell me you're a girl, too," Heero said warningly.

"No. I just cross-dress on weekends for the money."

"Just for the money?"

"Well…I've found that thongs are actually very comfortable…"

Heero looked at Wufei.

Then he just walked away.

He walked into the food court section to see a very confused Trowa sitting at a table, surrounded by several of the fangirls who had attacked him earlier.

"He's Latino!" one of them yelled.

Quesadillas appeared before Trowa.

"No! He's Greek!"

The quesadillas were replaced by baklava.

"He's Italiano, stupid!"

The baklava was replaced by ravioli.

"Latino!"

"Greek!"

"Italiano!"

"Latino!"

"GREEK!"

"ITALIANO!"

Trowa looked hungrily at the rapidly-changing food in front of him and sighed. Heero shook his head and walked away, thankful that everyone knew that he was Japanese.

No sooner did he think these thoughts that several hundred girls, all stunningly gorgeous with blinding white teeth and who you could tell were really, really nice, all appeared before him.

"Who are you?" Heero asked, covering his eyes with his hand.

"Here," one said, graciously handing him a genuine Ray Ban product. "We are the Teenage Fanfic Authors."

"Have YOU been doing this to me?"

"Why, yes."

"WHY?"

"Because it's fun. Since we are Otaku and lack real lives, we have created Mary Sue worlds in which our fantasies come true!"

"Duo being a woman is your idea of a fantasy?"

They all nodded in unison.

"Why?"

"Because it's fun, didn't we just say?"

"What kind of reasoning is that? How could you possibly defend completely destroying what actually happens in the show?"

"Well, we usually defend it like this: OMG ur soooo cols-mindid!1!11!1 BTW diz iz a fr33 cuntry n i cna du wut i wanna n u cant stop mee LOL!1!1!1!1!1!1!1."

"And people take you seriously?"

"Of course! How could anyone not take our attractive, brilliant selves seriously?" They all smiled again. All people in a twenty-mile radius screamed and went blind.

"I'm almost sorry I didn't let Zechs blow up the Earth…"

"Heero, we have to teach you the basics of fanon. First, we'll teach you about yourself!"

A blue portal opened and sucked them into the ground. After a few moments of contrived time travel applications, Heero landed in a classroom. The Teenage Fanfic Authors landed in the front of the classroom, all dressed like Harvard graduates.

"Cough, cough," one said. "Heero, you're here at Fanon 101 to learn about the noble art of fanfiction."

"I'm out of here." Heero stood up.

"SIT!"

Heero immediately sat down.

"What!"

"You're in Fanon, we can make you do whatever we want!" Teenage Fanfic Author Number 1 said. "Now, cough, cough. Fanon Case In Point Number 1: Heero Yuy."

A picture of Heero suddenly appeared on the blackboard.

"Heero Number 1: This is what we call Mean!Heero. You are a cruel warrior-man who enjoys torturing puppies, kitties, birdies, and small rodents."

"Why would I enjoy torturing puppies if in Endless Waltz—"

"DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS!" the TFAs screamed at him. "Cough, cough. You would sell your friends up the river if Dr. J told you to. You have an obsession with saying the word "Mission" in any or all of the following sentences: "Mission: Completed", "Mission: Accepted" or "It is my Mission". You also feel the need to say "Omae o korosu" for no reason."

"I'm not a soldier anymore, so why would I use that terminology?"

The TFAs blinked.

"What?"

"You used a big word," one stated. "We're TFAs. We don't understand big words."

"Are there any that do?"

"Oh, of course, there are plenty," another one said contemptuously. "But since they write stories dealing with serious issues and actually spell 99 percentof their words correctly, it's a general rule that their stories are never read. I mean, come on, who wants to read a story where someone isn't turned into a neko?"

"I would," someone in the background offered timidly. He was promptly escorted away by the authorities.

"Who was that?" Heero asked.

"Oh, he was one of approximately six male Gundam Wing fans," another said dismissively. "Now, cough, cough. Heero Number Two: This is what we call Sad!Heero. You are a sad, sad man. You are on all the anti-depressants ever made, but such is your misery that they cannot help you. You spend your time looking wistfully at your gun."

"And what's the plot of that story?"

"Nothing. Just you being angsty. Those usually last for only one chapter since you inevitably wind up shooting yourself, anyway. Now, for Heero Number Three: This is what we call Yaoi!Heero. You are very sad and depressed."

"That's the exact same as—"

"SILENCE! Cough, cough. As I was saying, you are very sad and depressed. This is because you realize you are in love with Duo. But since Duo is being Manwhore!Duo right about now, you are so sure that he can never return your feelings. Plus, SuperSlut!Relena is still hitting on you left and right, and all you want to do is kill her."

"That doesn't make any sense. I stopped wanting to kill Relena before the second DVD was over. And since when are Duo and Relena sluts?"

"DON'T INTERRUPT OUR BRILLIANT BRILLIANCE! But secretly, Duo is pining for you as well. He's just showing it by painting the town red with every random girl on the street."

"That's stupid."

"Yes, yes, good! You often say that to Duo."

"I don't recall ever calling Duo "stupid". "In the way", yes, but not "stupid"."

"WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING US? Anyway, there is simply one day when you cannot hold it in anymore. You shove him against the wall in the Preventer office, declare your undying love, and make-out with him right then and there."

"I make-out with Duo in a public place ofoccupation that I don't even work at, and no one says anything?"

"No, nobody notices. Except for the other pilots who were always watching you two through the hidden cameras in hopes that you'll eventually get together."

"You can get arrested for that."

"QUIET! Of course, you come out to SuperSlut!Relena for no apparent reason, since you've been trying to avoid her for all the rest of the fic, and she becomes Homophobe!Relena and tries to make your lives miserable, but winds up making herself look like a fool and we all have a good laugh at her."

"And where is Hilde throughout all of this?"

"Who?"

"Hilde. You know, the one that lives with Duo? The one that took him out on a date to the circus? The one who risked her life twice to help him?"

A very large green sign reading DENIAL suddenly appeared over the TFAs's heads.

"BROTHER-SISTER RELATIONSHIP!" they shrieked loud enough to shatter a few windows.

"Whatever, but my question was, where is she through all of this?"

One TFA turned to another. "You know, that's a good question."

The TFAs all looked confused for a while, before suddenly becoming mad.

"OMG lyke WTF! Wee r da arthurs n we cna du wateva we watn so dont u mak funn ov ussssss!1111111111"

Heero rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever."

They all calmed down, happy that their brilliant brilliance had stopped being questioned. "Now, for Heero Number 4: Het!Heero. You have run away for no particular reason, knowing full well that Relena is in love with you. Secretly you love her too."

"But you just said I was in love with Duo. Can't you pick a contrived plot and stick with it?"

"SHUT UP! Anyway, you change your name and hide away. But suddenly, Relena appears! She has decided to run away, too."

"Since when does Relena run away?"

"SILENCE! So, you accidentally meet up. There is a very tense moment in which you deny your love. That happens in every chapter until the last one, until your grab her and kiss her."

"I don't shove her against the wall in a public place and make-out with her?"

"No. This kiss is usually very pretty and romantic." Half of the TFAs pretended to barf. "For a Het story."

"And is there a Heterophobe!Duo?"

"No, Duo is very supportive."

"Fairness is not a strong point for you, is it?"

"OMG WTF—"

"Fine, fine, whatever."

They all settled down again. "Now, here is a sample Heero fic."

A projector suddenly appeared and began rolling.

Heero: I'm so upset. Think I'll go poke badgers with spoons.

Relena: Oh, Heero, you're so sexy! I love you! Be mine!

Duo: Oh, hi, Heero, like my new girlfriend? She's so fine, even though I've forgotten her name. But…you know…I think I have feelings for you.

Heero: (Shoves Duo against the wall) and makes-out with him

Relena: OH MY GAWD EEEEEEWWWWWWW GAY GUYS! (Trips over her dress)

Heero: (Stops making-out) with Duo I don't love you, Relena.

Relena: I don't love you either, Heero.

Heero and Relena: (Kiss romantically)

Duo: Aww! I so totally support you even though I still love Heero.

Heero: Mission Completed. Omae o korosu. (Shoots Relena)

The TFAs wiped their eyes and sighed. "Wasn't that romantic?"

Heero blinked.

"Now, on to Duo!"

* * *

Standard Disclaimer: This fic does not make fun of yaoi or fans thereof. It makes fun of bad fanfic authors and contrived plot devices. A contrived plot device can be good if it has a good author, but unfortunately, that is a very rare occurrence. 


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